20 and Vulnerable

Hey,

I’m just like you. I want to make people happy. I am always sincere, gentle and sweet to everyone. I try my best to do everything that pleases them.On the other hand,  I  also want to be loved back. I need to belong. I desire to feel safe and secure. I want to be approved by the society. I want everyone to be in perfect harmony with each other.

But often, feelings of pain, rejection and shame  get the best of me. I may be acting cheerful all the time, but they are clueless of what’s really going on inside of me. I always carry the unfathomable , heavy burden inside my heart. I don’t know where it comes from. Sometimes, I would just stay quiet, trying to figure  out what’s really going on. Oh, everything seems to be alright. But still, I sense  something  that is inevitably wrong. 

Later on, I found out that what I am experiencing is just a part of becoming a vulnerable person. I am oversensitive and idealistic. I think that everyone has good intentions and everyone is kind. But when you get more and more exposed, you will encounter selfish, judgmental, fake and ruthless people outside.You will realize that people don’t really care at all and some will even laugh at your sincerity- or to put it more accurately– naivety.

You will realize that different people pursue different things, and life is not just about love. Many people are so busy struggling to survive in this world. You will become aware of what grown-ups really do, and it will make you feel scared, nostalgic and discouraged. What do grown-ups do? They grow up– and forget that once upon a time, they were also little (did I get this quote somewhere?). Now, you discovered that the world that you imagined isn’t the world where you’re in.

I wonder how God looks at each and every one of us, and how He grieves for the things that we do and for the persons  that we have already become.

***

You will fall a lot of times. You don’t want to rise up but it’s the only thing left to do. Keep pushing; keep going. And after a while, you will realize that you have gone very far from where you started. What an achievement!

Time quickly passes by. You will make mistakes and you will regret about them over a long period of time.

And NO, he will not break your heart–you will break your heart. But as time passes by, time also heals everything.

You will be confused. You will try to figure out what to do with your life. You will ask these questions: what’s my purpose? What’s the meaning of life? Why am I here? and all the other why’s and how’s. But remember that when you can’t get all the answers to these questions, life still goes on.

You will compare yourself with other people. You will become insecure. You will not be contented. You will be bitter. You will want more. But give it a time- yes, I said it again, time is the keyword here- take your time and you  will be able to see yourself being authentically molded by God out of those personal struggles and agonies. And you will shine. His light will shine upon you.

Meanwhile, there will come a time when you think you know much better, after all the things you’ve been through. You will attempt to make decisions, but you will fail over and over again.

And this is the most important lesson of all: feelings lie.

There are beautiful and ugly feelings, and both can become lies. But I still want to trust all the beautiful feelings that I could feel, while trying to ignore and to resist all the ugly feelings that my heart would unconsciously  held captive.

What about falling in love? I’ll be straight to the point, do not always listen to the exaggerations of your heart.  Just stick to your dreams, ambitions and responsibilities first. The right time will come for sure. Learn to control yourself . Don’t always follow the crowd. I am telling you, be wise (Am I becoming your strict mother already?*winks).

Still, enjoy being vulnerable. That’s God’s purpose for you. He wants you to intercede for these people. He wants you to pray, not just for yourself, but for others too. 

Lastly, always come back to Him whenever you are tired and weary of life. He is our Rock and our Peace. He is loving and faithful. And He understands. We are right in the palm of His hands.

Sincerely,

Mary

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed:lead me to the rock that is higher than I.Psalm 61:2 (KJV)

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (KJV)

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For Richer, For Poorer

Rico*, a friend of mine once told me, “Ganito ba talaga ang mahirap, lalo ba talagang pinapahirapan?!” He always looks tired and exhausted. He is always sighing, as if it is the only way to release his disgust and resentment towards becoming the new planner at a factory where he is currently working. He was actually an operator before but then he was transferred to the said position. And he doesn’t really like it that much. In fact, he loathed it! His salary doesn’t even reach the minimum wage rate! He is just 22 years old, and spends his spare time staring at his little daughter’s picture in his cell phone to get inspired for work. He is far away from home. That is why his wife, who is older than her, can’t help but be paranoid and suspicious about him all the time. He often complains about his wife’s unreasonable jealousy and paranoia. But he knows he has to keep his cool and be patient with his wife’s response to their situation. After all, he loves her very, very much.

***
Can you imagine that we are 7.1 billion people in the world- and maybe, counting? Reports from globalissues.org states 80% of the population of the world “lives on less than $10 a day,” (which is equal to PHP449.00 in our country). This is actually true for my friend, Rico* who only gets his salary amounting to PHP390 each day, including overtime.

Going back, I actually rebuked his negative outlook. I told him that it is just a matter of attitude, “if you think you’re poor- you’re poor. And if you think you’re rich, – you’re rich.”

He just smirked.

Ah, that smirk had a meaning. I know that we both know that his case is more than just his “attitude problem.” He may or he may not have the right to complain, to be pessimistic or to be ungrateful. He can blame himself, or he can blame the government. However, at the end of the day- after all the moans and complaints- he can only do so much. He will go back to work, hoping that when he gets his salary, it will be enough to sustain his family’s basic needs. But with the ballooning price of commodities, he is just thinking wishfully.

This is just one of the billion pictures of poverty. Look closer and you will realize that exploitation and inequality is the culprit of poverty in our country. It is no doubt that corruption in our government also contributes to the miserable condition of the poor.

Two of the factors/causes of poverty are exploitation and inequality. On the other hand, we don’t realize how worse poverty is in some other countries. Everyday, about 21,000 children die around the world just because of poverty and poverty-related social issues such as hunger and diseases (Shah, 2011).

***

Though he is struggling so hard, you can still see the smile on Rico’s* face. I asked him, “Did you regret that you had a family at an early age?” He replied, “Oh, definitely not. When my daughter came into my life, suddenly my existence has a meaning and a purpose. I will work hard for my family. I love my wife. I love my cute daughter. I promise that when she grows up, she will be able to graduate in college, unlike me- I only finished high school.”

Poverty has been a major social problem in our country. And I believe it will not leave unless (1) exploitation over workers, (2) corruption and (3) inequality has been totally eradicated (or is it possible to eliminate these three completely?); and (4) government policies have been adjusted and improved in favor of the marginalized people. However, it will take a very long time for all of these to happen.

Nevertheless, I admire Rico* for not giving up in life. He’s exercising his agency to do something about his condition for the very least.

Maybe, it’s still a matter of attitude after all. And he’s obviously rich with the things that money can’t buy.

* not his real name

Sources:

http://www.globalissues.org/article/715/today-21000-children-died-around-the-world

http://www.globalissues.org/article/4/poverty-around-the-world

Of Hopes and Infatuation

“Sometimes life doesn’t give you something you want, not because you don’t deserve it, but because you deserve more.”– quote

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Of all the changes that have taken place in my life, one thing remains unshakable: and that is love.

Do you know what’s my favorite part in the past? You were my favorite part. It was you-and-me. Whenever the wind blows on my face or the sun pokes my dark brown skin, my senses take me into the place where I can see you-and-me again. I know I should not miss you-and-me because we have always been there– in the place where memories settle– my heart. It is precious and irreplaceable. It was you-and-me: pure, unbroken and uncorrupted by the world’s standards of what love should be like.

No more playing blame games. Whether it’s my fault or it’s my fault, it doesn’t actually matter now. We’re not in love with each other.We’re just two happy, mutual souls. I wanted for us to go a little higher but you didn’t want to. I was so glad and thankful that you did that to me.

I have invested so much love and emotions to you, thinking that the love that I showed would be reciprocated. But I became “bankrupt,” lost and wandering. I began to feel tired and thirsty. For years, I thought I couldn’t carry the burden and the pain of becoming so “in love” with you. I had earned so many scars even after you-and-me because I really tried to look for love in the wrong places. What I felt for you was only an obsession, I realized. It was never you-and-me in reality, it was just the you-and-me that I wanted for us to be. However, before the emotional chaos/ tragedy which drifted the two of us apart, I still believe that you have become ‘you’ to me and I have become myself to you. I cherish that part.

Soul ties is bad. So now, the hyphen between you and me is already gone. Now it was just you and me, the “you” that I had never known and the “me” that I have been trying to know deeply. And the coordinating conjunction “and” between us only fulfills its purpose in papers, but not so much in reality.

Don’t worry about me because I’m doing well. It would be better if you’ve already completely forgotten about me. Sometimes, maybe I miss the “you” that I met a long time ago or the “you” that I really thought you were before. But now, I have been seeing your dullness and flaws. But you’re still doing okay. I have so many impurities and I’m not just talking about dirts in my skin. I am so unworthy but by Grace I, too, am doing okay.

So yeah, now it’s easier for me to move around. I am enjoying myself a lot right now. Whatever happens, I know Someone who will take care of me. He never changes.

I wish I could say all of these things to you in person or in chat. At least, we both greeted each other a happy new year. I am starting to love the word “ate” in the chatbox. It felt so special. But of course, I still have to detach
myself from you because you know I have such a huge emotional bomb inside of me, that if triggered can explode badly, if you know what I mean. I didn’t plan to greet you. The familiar butterflies made my stomach anxious again. But when I saw your greeting I could not ask for more.

Everything is alright in the end.

***

I have wrestled with God a few days ago. I kept asking Him questions and sometimes I don’t know if He has already answered me or am I just blind to not see the answers floating around me? I pasted so many “Jesus” on the walls inside our home. I started to paste Him inside my heart too. I may have the knowledge about Him so much but my faith in Him is still very weak.

I had a lot of adventures as I look for a job. I had lots of fun becoming instant best friends with strangers and knowing their life stories and learning a lot from them. Most of the time I am a confused, scared little girl but I know I shouldn’t be anymore. Sometimes the trouble is that I still have no idea where I am going. But I know God is leading me to that path. All it takes is faith.

Of all the changes that have taken place in my life, one thing remained unshakable, and that is love. For even if I thought love was taken out of my system and made me lifeless, love has always been here all along. It never leaves. Hope sustains the love that we thought was gone. Hope is always present in our hearts. Hope is coming from Him. Hope is God. And we live through Him and for Him.

Amazing Grace

I failed Algebra (as expected) so I thought I could just write a novel and forget college for a while. Instead of finishing one, I saw myself collecting every poem I have written since I was 16, and later on, compiling them in books. Deleting some of my poems meant deleting some of my past, especially the bitter and ugly ones. Well, I just realized that some of my poems are so senseless and annoying. They are the poems of the poet trying to become the poet she sees on popular books and media. On the other hand, some of my poems are so sick of love, obsessed with love and thirsty for love. What else can you expect of a poet? I have been to dreadful corners, impossible settings and wrong places in search for love. It was a restless and tiring adventure. But now, I’m finally home with God- with Jesus- who is the true love and love alone.

***

I grew up without a father, so I developed a lot of self-esteem issues and insecurities which drastically affected the way I interact with other people. I compensated much on studies. Financial problems won’t let me go. I became to clingy, too moody and too cynical. I was an “energy sucker” to everybody. I aspired to dream and I failed. I aspired to love and I was rejected.

I was deprived of privacy and space, which I eventually found on paper and pen. Even though I knew I was bad with grammar and all, I still considered writing as my only personal, sacred escape. You can notice in my previous blogs how emotionally broken and discouragingly vulnerable I was. This has been my trouble for the last two years as I deal with transition period, rejections, panic attacks, General Anxiety Disorders, depression, insomniphobia and other crazy stuffs, which started to feel like fading memories as I write this blog right now.

The Lord came in.

Mercy and grace flooded my life. I never imagined my life to turn out this way before. This year has been full of breakthroughs, especially in terms of faith. Jesus restored my family. I, my twin sister, my mother and my father are now living peacefully together. Jesus gave me opportunities fitted for the passions I have within me. Singing with my twin sister was just a hobby until we tried to join a talent show. And before we knew it, we have conquered our fears and we have sung our hearts out in front of many audiences five times already! I have also met cheerful friends who taught me how to laugh and how to lighten up. My walls  of insecurities and skepticism are slowly being torn down. Jesus healed me from panic attacks and  General Anxiety disorder. Jesus is healing my broken and wounded heart and making it new and whole again.

Of course, there are bad times as well as good times. But Jesus is both present in these times. He’s teaching me to seek His presence alone, not His presents. The type of relationship that I have with God is very unpredictable. When my soul is in anguish, I would sense His Spirit comfort me. I would see how coward, foolish,  judgmental, inconsistent, lazy and dirty I would be. And there He was, never weary of redeeming my hopeless soul over and over again. He is consistent, faithful, merciful, loving and sweet! He is generous and forgiving and He longs for me to always come back to Him through prayer, quiet time and reading His word.

He strengthens my faith. He heals and restores. And most of all, He is the King of Kings, full of splendor and glory. This is the only moment that I have fully grasped how naked I am in His presence, and I can hide nothing from Him, and that He knows! He feels! He never leaves! He is always with me!

When I have no earthly father, He has been my father, because He said that He is a Father to the Fatherless. He knew me. He knew what I went through. And He has good plans for me, which I have seen unfolding in my own two eyes, without me contributing any great effort at all. Such an amazing grace!

                                                                                ***

Finally, after three to four weeks, I saw two finished e-books on the computer screen. My bag of random yellow papers and old notebooks become lighter. And my heart became empty, which is a good sign, because I know God is about to fill it up – oh, not with dreams, material things, persons or  anything else. He is going to fill my heart with Himself, for He is the true love and love alone. I don’t need much. Even if everything in my life falls down and fails again, I think I will be okay. I just need the true, living God in my life because, He is, indeed, more than enough.

PS: Happy Holidays! 🙂

Are you weary, are you weak, filled with insecurities
Believe me, you are not the only one
I get scared to look inside myself, I know that darkness oh so well
I sometimes wonder if I’m too far goneBut even in my doubts I’ll choose, To hold on to this truth
That God is making broken things brand new, even me and you

-I See God in You, Josh Wilson
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=labhPz1m3GU

Difficult

Difficult.

I know that You are not a puzzle to be solved

I know that  I don’t always have to condemn

myself

in everything that I do, because You came

to save me

But sometimes it’s hard to be

myself.

I know that You are greater than my heart

and You know everything.

I think I know what my heart desires

and I always condemn myself because

my heart’s desires are so meaningless

and I know I should just desire You alone.

What should I do with this life?

I would pray

I would read the bible

I would use the talents You’ve given me

That’s all I know I should do

and the puzzle of life is

already solved when I knew You.

And even if that’s what I truly want

or that; or the other one

My will not be done — even if it’s painful

I’m just here to follow

So Okay,

I’ll follow You, God!

You’re the only one that I know.

Can you remove the part

that is twisted in my heart

so I can breathe again.

Can you break the walls

that makes me blind

so I can see again

that it’s just purely simple and not

Difficult.

This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence:20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

1 John 3:19-20

Catharsis

I live inside a long nightmare. I always wanted to wake up from this ugly dream. But whenever I do every morning , the nightmare just gets more vivid and real. So I just go back to sleep and drown myself into nothingness, which has been my source of comfort. As I drift to sleep, time can just pass by quickly. I don’t have to fret about the length of my existence here.

I can’t see the light. It’s only darkness that surrounds me. Every breath that I breathe is my every death in this planet. My heart is always heavy of hopelessness and sorrow. And my face reflects shame and humiliation, though I pretend that I am always happy and strong despite everything.

Congratulations, you are therefore strong enough to pretend that you are strong.

Some people accuse me of not doing my best, of being irresponsible, of being so negative and weak. But they never really know what I am going through. And if they are in my place, I’m sure they would have done worst. They can only say that because they have everything that I lack in life. If everything that they have would be taken away from them, how would they look like? What would they even become?

It’s true that every person undergoes difficult circumstances. But airing my thoughts and feelings on paper does not mean I am already giving up. It doesn’t mean that I am the only one who experiences too much struggles and suffering. It doesn’t mean that I am not doing anything to make myself and my life better. And most of all, it does not really mean that I am not gonna smile or laugh again.

I am not a genius or a great thinker. I don’t write about great knowledge or great wisdom. I just write about my emotions so I can have an idea of what’s really going on the war inside of me. So then, I could segregate my emotions from the “real-deal” situations and move forward thereafter. I just simply write about what I’m going through everyday; about how I try to keep myself sane as I keep my faith in God in the midst of adversities.

Hi, and welcome to the world of my emotions. You’ll experience them here raw and pure.

And it’s either you TAKE IT, or LEAVE IT.

“Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.”
-Man’s Search for Meaning
Viktor Frankl

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70 Years

Psalm 90:10 The length of our days is seventy years- or eighty, if we have the strength.

Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain heart of wisdom.

If I have only been given 70 years to live this life, how will I spend it?

I have already spent almost 20 years of it, so there would only be 50 years left.

Oh no, no. I would not marry so early. I am too lazy to do nasty, unending household chores. It would be quite alienating and depressing. I am the type of person who is purpose-driven , fired up with different kinds of passions which I am currently trying to master and to direct into something tangible and practical.I just don’t want to be house slave cough cough* housewife yet.

I want to give myself and my family a reward after we have overcome all the hardships— which made us neglect ourselves and our fashion styles a bit. Okay, so it should be a “lot”. But you can learn so much from being deglamorized and humiliated. So I’m fine with it.

Aside from that, I hate awkward situations where I don’t know what to do with it. I just don’t want to deal with difficult in-laws. I just don’t want to please his relatives so much my cheek muscles might be worn-out from too much smiling.

So therefore, I conclude that MARRIAGE might be so exciting and may seem like a fairytale at first, but sooner or later, it would be a dull routine and a nightmare you would not want to be in.

Oh, my! My head is already working! I can already think clearly! I mean, what’s the point of my previous hopeless romantic articles? Nothing! Feelings come and go. I should have known better.

This is the other side of me: quite selfish, individualistic, loves privacy and space. I am a free soul you really don’t want to mess with.

Today, I don’t want writing to become my escape or refuge as I go through a lot of difficult problems. That habit is so passe (how do you put that something on top of letter “e”?). I have already accepted the fact that I am not a disney protagonist and I don’t live in a perfect,fairytale world. I just got used to it. I just choose to be fine like WHATEVER!

So, going back to my question, “how am I gonna spend the remaining 50 years of my life?”

My answer is so simple. Basta, I am not gonna waste it. I have witnessed how other people carelessly used and wasted their 40 years or 60 years of life. Gambling, smoking, drinking and luxurious things are not really my definition of vices. I don’t want to have gargantuan debts and I don’t want to die from lung cancer. My “vices” are simple, sweet and sentimental; something that satisfies the cravings of my soul and intellect.

I just love to harness my full potential as a person. I am just happy and contented as long as I have food to eat, and my loved ones are healthy and safe and I still have been given enough time to fulfill my dreams. What a blessed life I have!

As I live my current 20th year of existence, I would reflect and carefully plan my to-do list for life. But I am also aware that the Lord’s plans are always better than mine.

I have already taken the advices and warnings of the people who are almost there in the finish line. I am just scared that I might not want to be spontaneous and to take risks anymore because of what I learned from them. It is very difficult to live in a tangled web of poverty, broken marriages and other “curses” you can name of.

It’s hard! It’s hard! It’s hard!

Don’t waste your time on trivial matters. Be prudent and wise! Even if you don’t realize it, life is swift and short. We no longer have 100 years to live, as the song goes. We actually only have 70 or 80 years to make something out of this life. We should spend our remaining years in this world with faith, meaning and purpose.

Falling in Love with God again

Dear God,

What’s happening to me? I am becoming so selfish. I’m not like this before. I hate myself now.

I realized a month ago that it is not his fault; it has been mine all along. I have assumed and expected so much, that was why when things did not turn out the way I wanted them to be, I became so frustrated and angry.

I already fixed the mess and we already had a closure. But jealousy and paranoia keep on poisoning my good soul.

I did not know what I was writing from my previous blog. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I was always happy and contented of giving love to other people even if they don’t give it back to me, because You are the one who’s gonna reward me.

I was always happy and contented of being quiet and silent in just one corner while soaking myself into Your word, but now I was so distracted of worries for the future and other petty things.

I was always happy and contented of myself, even if I am invisible here and only a few people appreciate me because I know You are always here and You are all I ever needed.

I was always happy and contented before. Even if i seem like a weak, naive girl who can’t cope up with the world, it doesn’t matter. I know it’s much more exciting to be called as “Your precious, little girl”. But now, I have developed so much pride, because I think I am already a strong grown-up person and I’ve been through a lot of things but luckily I’m still surviving.

God, I’m so sorry for I have become so selfish these past few weeks. I have been demanding love from other people, when You are the only one who can truly, genuinely love me! You are my first love. But actually, You loved me first!

You are my lover and I am Your beloved. And this is the ultimate romantic love story that I have been craving for my whole life. I never realized that it’s just banging at the door of my heart, until something happened that awakened me to my growing selfishness.

You love me even if I am dirty, smelly or sick. You love me despite of what I feel. You love me despite of what I’ve done. And You’ll continue loving me forever.

God, help me to really let go of the past, ONCE AND FOR ALL. I realized that the only person who makes me miserable and keeps me from letting go is MYSELF. So, please free me from myself. And let Your will always be done to me.

I want to be happy. And I am really happily striving to be happy right now. And to be truly happy, I must focus on the true happiness which is You.

I thank You for the good and the bad things. You know how pissed off I become whenever it seems like problems abnormally pile up and the pain and heartaches that I get from them makes my heart bleed so much.But I know they’re just temporary. However, when good things come up, I am so much happy, but I am saddened whenever I think they won’t last either.

I am always forgetting that it’s all about You and Your love for me. It is all about having faith in You.

I, a moody and clueless sheep, might get lost over and over again. But You, my gentle and merciful shepherd will always diligently search for me in all the dark, bright, narrow or wide places. Once You find me, You won’t let go of me. After all, it’s just me who moved.

Please don’t let me move away again.

Your beloved,

Mary

Unborn Love Story

Lord, please help me to move on. I know moving forward is the best gift that I can ever give for myself. I had really tried but I always fail . I had been running around inside the sick cycle.I had forgotten about us before, when I met and I mingled with other people. But it keeps on coming back, because it’s the one precious thing that I have kept deep inside my heart- our unborn love story. I kept believing and I firmly hoped that it will ripe and grow and mature someday. I just have to wait faithfully. So I waited for almost three years. But it’s been a month after he finally closed our love story before it was even born.

I still don’t want to accept the fact that he only treated me as a sister. I know he liked me. But I think, he stopped liking me because he has met another girl who’s more compatible with him. And that hurts a lot. I felt betrayed. I felt I mean nothing to him. He can just throw away our memories so quickly. And now, I was being replaced by somebody else. But I have no right to be angry nor be jealous either.

It’s been a month, but I felt time is so slow and I’m losing my patience.I have been hurt so much I just want to be someone else and get rid of myself and what I’m going through.

I try to forget. But instead of becoming new, free and happy person, I become worse, especially when I accidentally saw their pictures together the other day.

So I cried a lot.

The ache is so fresh and brutal inside my heart, that my tears won’t easily flow. They would first gather together in my left eye, then suddenly a long and large tear would form before it would flow down in my cheeks.

Being rejected by the person dearest to me makes me feel ugly and disgusted of myself. I felt everything is wrong about me: my skin color, my hair, my face, my nose, my weight, my mass, my interests and my social skills. And the ‘new girl’ is everything good and beautiful and perfect that I’m not.

So I become conscious of my appearance. I felt so ugly. I become irritated and hot-headed. I felt so ungrateful and discontented. I become superficial and self-centered. I don’t really know what to do with the heavy burden that is the ache that I have been carrying inside my heart. I felt so anguished and angry.

Most of all, I felt that I have gone so far from my true home. I think I left myself somewhere.

So now,I will go back again to the place where I really belong and find and pick myself up before I forget who I really am, the people who really know my worth, and the simple, peaceful and happy place where I come from and where I truly belong.

I might get worse this coming months but I’ll try harder. It would take a lot of courage, prayers, encouragement from my twinsister and sincere friends,and a lot of worthwhile and fun activities before I could finally say that “I have finally moved on from my childish fairytale and I have completely forgotten about it.”

But what’s really wrong with you? I have removed you in my life. If you feel guilty or something, you don’t really have to be. And I don’t need your pity. “There’s a thin line between becoming desperate and becoming prideful. And that is, self-respect.”

Let me go, if you don’t feel the same way I feel about you. Because I’m determined to move forward.

And I believe that God would lead me to better people, places and experiences. They are right. I deserve so much better.

You closed our love story before it was even born. In my case, it will still remain in my closet. But I will lock it and throw away the key in a faraway place so it cannot be opened again. That would be fair for the two of us. Quite, really fair.

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A Letter to God Part Two

Dear God,

I am turning twenty this coming December. Thank you so much for I am still living, and I am gradually learning how to survive and how to be tough in this life. Your presence is very evident in my life, and very often, I will always be the one who will be so hard-headed, skeptical and difficult. But you always lead me to the right path, the path leading to Your wonderful plan for me.

For instance, You are fixing my relationship with my Father, and You are restoring our family. You helped me make the right choice to be not involved with toxic/ wrong relationships although this has been my struggle for now. You helped me pass my past courses and You also lead me to right people and bless me with true and sincere friends.

I never imagined I would conquer harsh and difficult mental, emotional, financial and physical challenges. I am really paranoid and weak that is why I never imagined I would reach life up to this point. But that’s just because You remain good and faithful to me constantly, even when sometimes I would be tempted to not pray or read the bible; even when sometimes I would think, say and act carelessly; even when sometimes I chose to be indifferent, apathetic and lazy.

Forgive me, God. More and more each day I discover so many shameful things inside myself. That is why I realized the importance of asking forgiveness from You every urgent moment. As I grow up, You make me uncover all the undiscovered pride, lust, anger, angst, bitterness and other selfish desires inside myself. They’re like invisible stains and dirt surrounding my whole body. And no matter how much I make great efforts to remove them and to make my body and soul clean and pure., they always come back and it discourages me a lot. Now I know why I am called, “a sinner.” And now I know why I badly need You, Jesus, because (by the power of Your precious blood), You’re the only one who can make me clean and who can make me as white as snow. Yes, I badly need You, Lord. Make me clean and pure everyday. Please save me and my loved ones and all the people and forgive their sins too.

Oh God, whenever I can’t do it anymore, I always feel like I am floating in the middle of a nightmare and I will just wait for You to save the day. And you never fail me.

Lord, help me to conform with Your designed path for me. Help me to make good and right choices always. Help me to love not just my loved ones but also other people unconditionally.

Thank you for humiliating me a week ago. I became grounded again with my true identity, and that is: I am just a sinner saved by grace, who can do nothing apart from You, my Savior.

So maybe, when I become officially a woman five months from now, responsibilities would be heavier, challenges will be harder and I will be more disillusioned and I will get more tired of this life. You know that I really do.

But I also think that living this life will be worth it if I live it for You.

Amen.

Your servant,

Mary

The Introvert, The Unjust World and The Bullies

July 10. 2013

Funny it is whenever mama always calls me and checks up on me, but I find phone calls disturbing and annoying, especially when I want to concentrate on my work. That is just because, I am a self-proclaimed INTROVERT. But whenever I log in on facebook, I become an extroverted introvert. Sometimes, what you see on my facebook profile are the things that I can never assert in front of so many people. But I am bold and assertive when it comes to writing.

I am originally an extrovert. But as I grow up, I realized I can never become comfortable with maintaining images and faking a laugh just to be at the top of the social ladder. I also have some weird principles in life that can be compromised if I expose myself a lot in the outside world. But that does not mean I am better than them. It’s just that, I would choose to stand up for Jesus more than anything else.

I just want to be true to myself, after all. Hence, that marked the beginning of my thousand, solitude moments thereafter.

I am a woman of contemplation. But hey, I can be funny and silly too. I laugh at shallow and silly things. Most of the time, I am awkward. So contemplation became my sort of compensation for my poor social skills and poor confidence.

But becoming an introvert is an opportunity to absorb everything around you. After you have already absorbed everything, you’ll have a definite clue on what to do next with them.

And now, I think I know what to do with what I have observed and I have experienced in life.

I want to make a change. I want to awaken every people’s sleepy hearts and minds. I want them to be aware of the things that truly matter, after our youth would become rotten and old. These are: respect, love, faith, compassion and sensitivity. I want to be a warning pen. I want to be the pen of the voiceless and the clueless.I want to be their strength, encouragement and inspiration. I am a pen who constantly reminds them of their everyday surrender to God. I don’t know everything, but I just want to share with everyone the little things that I know. I can’t do everything. But I can write, right?

***

I didn’t choose to become an introvert. Social standards, social constructions and the rude system molded me to become one. You see, I am not white, and I have always felt that I am an outcast. Philippines has become a second America in my opinion ( the term that I used is just so corny) and Filipinos have fully embraced their “American” identity more than their true identity because true identity doesn’t matter anymore in this alienating, corrupted country.

I feel for those who are oppressed; who have nothing; who are homeless; who are hungry; whose innocence, purity, sincerity and confidence are being killed by the current system, which taught us that dignity should be earned, and our rights and integrity live only on paper and die in reality. It is getting more perverted and wicked here. We must use our agency, and do what is right always because we have been given a functioning brain and a compassionate heart to evaluate our decisions and actions.

***
But sometimes, racial discrimination is not always the issue. Yesterday, one of my cousins confessed to me that she was being bullied by her classmates. She is white but she is a victim of bullying. She cannot concentrate anymore in her studies. She looks sad and depressed and she lost her enthusiasm to go to school.

Bullying is bad. Please don’t be a bully. Please be sensitive to other people. My twin sister cried when she learned about this, because she knows how does it feel like to be bullied. My cousin is a dreamer. She is fragile, charming and sincere. But if these kind of wicked people exist, my cousin and other people who are bullied will be discouraged in life. I wish I can take the place of my cousin.

Oh well. We can’t get rid of these people. I pity them, because they would never know the true meaning of compassion and sensitivity. They think they are cool, but actually they’re not. What a waste of space.

I am an introvert. I may be quiet and shy, but when people hurt the people that I loved, I might turn into someone they didn’t expect I could be.

Struggle

Starting today, there’s no place I could call home anymore. I have been deprived of privacy, space, material things, resources, social life, ego, pride and dignity. There’s no little nor big thing I could call as my own. Everything is borrowed, ‘even this life.’

I always feel naked. I am nothing.

I live “everywhere.” I rest and sleep in the land of my dreams.
Whenever I wake up, I just wish I didn’t. I’d rather die than be pushed around innocently in every unstable, inconvenient , pretentious ,wicked and strange places. I just wish I don’t reach the point where I would talk uncontrollably, trying to befriend the invisible creatures and the air around me.
I am depressed, paranoid,disillusioned and melancholic. (Good thing, I’m not anxious anymore. I don’t experience any panic attacks anymore. Thank God.)
If my life is a tunnel, then maybe, this chapter is the hardest and deepest part.
I can’t help myself but cry a million tears!
It just happened. I can’t control things. My ego is hurt. It feels annoying, irritating and hopeless.
 
Why is it taking so long? I have suffered a lot. I have persevered a lot. I crawled my way to life. 
And now, here comes another trouble again. And another. And another! It just won’t empty.
For all we know, we’re just born to work for the rest of our lives, and then, die.
“This is our lot,” says the Book of Ecclesiastes.
Life is meaningless. There’s no peace. There’s always noises and wars outside. There’s always confusing noises and undefined battles inside ourselves. I’m getting tired of this routine called STRUGGLE.

Home

Nostalgia is the music to my ears. For every song, there is a certain smell which teases my little nose, and a  certain memory which knifes my heart brutally. I’m playing with my vulnerability again.

Listening to music is a dangerous thing.  It makes you crave for the precious moments you have had with your loved ones in the past. Those moments will never come back again. The knife continues to slice my heart into bits of pieces.
I miss the cold,rainy days; the small rusted windows; the view of the tired buildings; the deafening sound of the LRT and the irritated jeepneys and cars during the traffic.
I miss Nanay’s perfect cooked dishes; our tong-it sessions and random conversations about life (and even lovelife.)
I miss the private singing sessions and the bathroom and the sweet echo that I produce there; the rare array of stars during the night (whenever I achieve a perfect timing); the different faces of the sky every dusk; and the freedom and serenity I had inside my former humble and small abode.
Most of all, I miss so many people out there, too.
Things will never be the same again.
When will we be completely fine and secured?
 
When will I ever be home again?
 
I miss home so much. I miss home so much. 
I want to go home, but there’s no place I could call ‘home’ on earth anymore. It only exists in my heart– the house of happy and priceless memories I have shared with them forever.
Music Playing: Home by Vanessa Carlton
For me it’s a glance and the smile on your face the touch of your hands,
And an honest embrace
For where I lay it’s you I keep,
This changing world I fall asleep
With you all I know is I’m coming home,
Coming home

To the Restless and Insomniacs

Since the four of us reunited, I don’t see my mother anymore. I see a newlywed woman who is totally, madly and deeply in love with her husband.

I miss my mother so much.

Or maybe, I just want to be selfish. Or maybe, I am just a trying hard little girl when it comes to handling change. Maybe both. I have no choice but to go with the flow, right?

So now, I have to learn how to detach from everything. I have to learn how to stand on my own and depend on myself alone.

I know God is always here. But sometimes, it’s just hard to believe that He’s here. That’s the point. I just know that He’s always there. That’s a fact. But it’s just hard when you’re here on earth. You are always tempted to attach yourself deeply with someone or something . It’s just hard. And the madness leaves you miserable, empty and restless.

That became my issue with Charles*. It’s the attachment issue which made me skeptical about the feelings of love for a certain person.

I don’t think I could ever love at all. I can’t be my real self whenever someone would try to court me or someone likes me so much. It seems that there’s a default role that we have to play when it comes to romance, and we’re not being our natural selves.

So it kind of turns me off. I mean, the love thing.

Meanwhile, I know in myself that I really want Charles*. I love him and I can embrace both of his good and bad sides. But it has a side effect. My passion for him makes me distracted and suffocated. I want to tame that passion. But for what? For the future? How can I be sure? You see, he doesn’t like me back. It would be useless.

So I better stop this craziness.

I repress my feelings for him. For sure we all know how it feels like to be rejected by the person we loved. The passion we feel for him/ her is like a running water inside our hearts. It wants to keep going. It wants to explode. But we don’t allow it because it’s not right and it’s unfair. So we close our hearts. But the pressure is always there. The running water doesn’t stop. It is an unstoppable nagger. But we’re not giving up. We can do it. We can prevent it from flowing and running. We can forget the feelings and the passion we developed for them. We can move on.

Or maybe, we just get numb with the pressure. We feel pain all the time that we got used to it we don’t feel ‘pain’ anymore. (I think this is a quote.)

That is why I am always bravely facing each day, pushing myself forward, trying so hard to get rid of the former attachments I have had with everything and everyone in the past, especially with him.

Well, HELLO?! There are so many things that’s gonna happen and God just wanted to teach me how to wait and how to be patient. I have accepted that this is going to be difficult. But I won’t change my decision. I got to move on.

Maybe, I feel empty for now, because I will be filled by Him someday. And it would be beautiful and right for me when the perfect time comes.

On the other hand, I just don’t see it. Having an attachment with someone, especially, is very inevitable. I guess, what I am just trying to say is that I hate pain and disappointments. I am just scared to be hurt again.

I have a problem with sleeping ever since I was a child. I think we all had undergone this phase when we were just a child. I don’t know how to sleep. I would ask my little twinnie back then,” how do you do that (sleeping)?” She just says, “oh, you just have to close your eyes; and then, that’s it.”

I have busy and exhausting days a week ago so sleeping required no effort at all.

Now, I keep myself busy and tire myself up by writing and sketching until I can finally sleep easily because of too much tiredness.

Sleeping is not a problem. The unexplainable restlessness inside of us the real and core problem. How can we cure it? I don’t know how.

Maybe, we have to pray. Maybe, we have to be assured that God will never leave our side. I am not going to listen to lies. He’s always here. And I am soo loved by Him. We are soo loved by Him.

We just have to accept that the feeling of restlessness likes to dwell in our hearts permanently, because we are just temporary dwellers here on earth.

Life is hard and crazy. But someday, we never know when and where it’s gonna happen: We’re just going to close our eyes, and then, that’s it.

Loneliness is my Friend

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Do people from broken family experience the same anxiety that I feel in terms about love? Probably, there are two reasons why this anxiety is existing in my heart: 1. Something wrong is really going on; 2. Something is surely wrong about myself.

I know I have felt alone most of the time. I am alone most of the time that sometimes,I don’t know how to mingle with people anymore. I felt so different from other people. I felt so weird. I felt I’m better off at home where no one could invade my peace, space and privacy. Like Rapunzel, I would paint;study; write poems; write lyrics and essays; blog; sing; and the cycle goes on and on. I felt so introvert. I never really had a real life outside. I felt so alone– but did I feel lonely too?

I think I love being alone. But sometimes, I feel lonely too. Whenever I do, I always become comfortable with the idea that emotions (like loneliness) are like winds and it will just disappear quickly. And maybe, it will come back again and disappear; come again and disappear– BUT WHATEVER!

I know I can endure every emotions that I feel. I have been through a lot of emotional battles a long time ago. I became strong because of it. Or maybe, I didn’t. I just became numb and harsh.

Okay. I admit that I feel lonely most of the time.
And there are so many reasons why I do so:

1. my crush only treated me as a special friend and so I decided to stay away from him permanently. But somehow I regretted my decision but I don’t want to be trapped in the poisonous cycle anymore!

2. There’s this one person who told me that he loves me and he’s gonna wait for me (and he did) but I turned him down (I always do and that was harsh I’m so sorry!). I think I’m beginning to like him too, but.. BUT! I don’t know if it’s just because my crush rejected me which made me feel lonelier , that’s why I think I like him already but it was just because of loneliness.

3. Transitions always transitions and a lot of changes! I want stability but it is impossible! Mama’s always away. I miss her so much.

4. Problems at home, problems in school , problems everywhere!

5. I have many MATH’s this sem -_- (Algeb, Physics and Chem)

6. That awkward moment that you have to pretend that you are happy even when you’re not ; you always have to pretend that everything’s okay even when it’s really NOT!

*SHIFTS TO SERIOUS MODE (haha I’m such a moody person)

The truth is, I chose to be lonely . I chose to be alone. I want to have more space and more time to think. I have been alone for two years, I guess. And because I had so much time and space to reflect and to think, it made me discover my true worth, value and dignity; that I am priceless and I would not settle for less.

This suites me well because I am an artist. And my best friend told me that “we artists are lonely by nature.” So! That explains my never ending, forever-sticking melancholic state!

I chose to be alone because I want to be immune from all the wrong decisions and careless mistakes that I might make when I dive into the outside world, because I have the tendency to make big ones. I am still so fragile and vulnerable, but I think I have been making a lot of progress! I think I’m nearly done with my issue in terms of self-esteem and insecurities! I mean, sure, I still feel ugly and I still feel not enough sometimes. But now, I’m fighting the feelings real hard! Hah! I am the best and the worst person that I have ever met in my entire life! XD

Meanwhile, you might think that I play it safe. YES I DO. I can’t afford to make mistakes! I have to work really hard! I do not own my life for now. But take note of the word “for now,” because maybe when I do , I’ll be the most rebellious thing you would have ever seen! Look at how I write. Look at this colorful angst! Am I not a rebel, after all?

Most of all, I chose to be lonely because I want to be with God. And it is HARD! It’s JUST HARD! You may think I’m all Godstuffs and the like. But it’s okay. I am not ashamed. In fact, I am proud of it!

God teaches me to make the right decisions although the consequences are a bit painful:

And that is choosing to be lonely.

At first, I thought it was a curse. I though it was an inescapable loneliness that would drown me to depression then eventually to death.

Little by little, I realized loneliness is a profound gift from God. It is an opportunity to claim the personal space and the freedom you have been deprived with for almost 19 cluttered years. And falling in love and other distractions won’t let me ruin this wonderful gift.

I’m gonna keep drawing and singing and writing even though I don’t really know what kind of road I have been taking. I realized that lack of resources and other odd and unstable conditions did not prevent me from doing the things that I really love.

I have spent the past few days mourning over my two wasted years. But I think I should stop it already. No more regrets this time.

I crave for carnal affections– something that is visible and tangible. But I’m fighting it with all my might because I want to seek God first in my life. Everything will be added unto me after. (Matthew 6:33)

Loneliness is my friend but I am not to be pitied. From it, I can uncover the greatest mysteries of life and put it into a beautiful art so everyone could see and understand them.

Maybe, I just call it “loneliness.” Maybe, I should call it “alone time with God.” And I’m going to miss the unlimited sleep and comfort and tranquility and peace when God already decides for me to take over the world someday.(oh really? You bet!:D)

source of photo: Women after God

Rest in My Peace

jesus

Me: God, I’m so tired of living here on earth. My mind is a criminal. Bizarre things just keep on occupying my head. It feels vulnerable and naked. I am also wanting impossible things. I know they’re not right for me. They’re just traps, God, so that I would never see You and Your purpose and plans for me. I am constantly bombarded by insecurities . But I just want peace and contentment. But how? I also have to detach myself to the people I loved, because it just hurts when they disappoint , or worst leave you. Now they are so faraway from me. And it just hurts when you know that you would just be abandoned in the sand of their memories forever, while your heart is hopelessly waiting. You want them to come back to you and chase after you. But it is permanent. They would not. They can live without me.

My heart is broken and crashed into pieces. I’m scared. But people still want me to try harder, to be stronger and to be braver. So I pretend that I try harder, that I am stronger and braver. I am always doing my best, God. But it seems not enough. So I feel ashamed of myself.

Why do other people’s lives seem to be far better than mine? Why do they seem to be happy and they seem to enjoy life and all things are going well for them except for me?

Does the problem lie inside of me? Yes it does, because there are multiple voices inside of me that kept on ruining my peace of mind and sanity. But I don’t want to be ungrateful, God. It’s just hard to see that I am blessed and equipped too. I want to see it. But I am drowning inside in the pool of noise and strange voices. Please stop it, Lord. I can’t stop it.

God, I am just your little girl. I don’t want to play their silly,little games. But now, I see myself changing a lot. I have played their silly, little games. Some people just got used to it. But I know, deep inside, they’re also thinking that these games are cruel and ruthless. But they can’t change anything. And neither can I.

So, I have grown up a lot. And I am just tired.

God: Pssssshhh… It’s okay. You just need some rest. Rest in my shoulder. Get some sleep. I won’t give up on you. I won’t. Rest in my Peace for now, my little daughter.

Of Ugly Things and Faith: A Letter to the Voiceless

Writing is a refuge for crazy minds. If I didn’t start to write a long time ago, I would have been in a mental hospital right now. Just kidding. XD

Mostly , I write about ugly and shameful things. I know I would not attract a lot of readers because of this. But it’s okay. I do not write to please men. I write about things that I think are wrong within the society, within my friends and peers, within my relatives and especially the things that are wrong within myself.

Yes, I also write about beautiful things. But mostly, I think writers write because they are miserable. They did a lot of thinking and did a lot of research about life. And then, one fateful day, they became hopeless. They knew they have figured everything out. They became aware of how ‘the system’ works. But it still felt like they haven’t figured out anything. The knowledge and the awareness that they possess lead them nowhere. They hold the power to make a difference in this world. But still, they can’t make a change. Because no matter how many times they write about the things that they know, it would not change the fact that the power that they have, after all, is just a piece of paper composed of tiny scribbles of angst and rants about how the world has been unfair to them. I know, here comes the word ‘unfair’ again. But now, I don’t just complain; I mix it with the right and practical actions. I do something that will make my life better. I move and move and move forward. But now, whenever I feel like life is unfair to me, I don’t deny it anymore. I don’t let any people cover my eyes from the ugly things that I am experiencing. Because I’m not just feeling those ugly things. Ugly things are happening right now as I write my sentiments at this very moment. I am not depressed. My eyes and my heart were just opened not just by the realities of life, but by God too.

Meanwhile, there are some people who cannot even find some solitude and privacy to figure out what is happening to them. Life owns the control of their wheels, and life is taking them so fast. They can’t push the brake. But why is this so? Oh God, why? WHY?

They have lost their dignity. They have lost their voices.

They tried everything they could. But they just didn’t know what to do. They’re clueless. But they kept trying and they kept moving forward, even if they didn’t know what they they were doing in the first place. They didn’t surrender. But on the outside appearance, it seemed like they did.

There are some people who try to look calm, cool and collected outside. But deep inside, their hearts and minds are at war. It is chaotic, disgusting, disturbing and suffocating. These people want to play the game of life ‘fair and square’ already, because they are already tired of being seen as weak and fragile. They are already tired of humiliations. They just wanted to focus on what they could do to make things look and feel better. But in the middle of their effort in trying so hard to be strong and in trying so hard not to make excuses in life– looking closely in their eyes, you could see them hopelessly pleading for HELP. And they just want someone who cares enough to notice their cries. But no one notices.

Don’t worry. I notice it. I have been feeling the same way too. You’re never alone. I am not someone who can truly help in any practical way. But I hope
as you read this letter, you’ll feel better somehow. I may be close to your heart or we may not know each other personally. But I will keep on praying for you. God is near even if sometimes we don’t feel Him. Talk to Him . Just talk to Him like you would as a friend. Just be bold and be honest! Just be you when you pray to Him.

I have contradicted myself. The last time that I wrote , I said that I will only write about good and beautiful things. I will only write about God and my faith in Him. But God wants me to be realistic. God wants me to face these ugly things, though I keep on telling Him that I am weak and I am always scared and I just want to give up already.

Even if I have written something about my faith in Him, it doesn’t mean I am faithful enough. I’m gonna fail again. I always fail Him.

But regardless of how I am doing; of what I’m thinking; of what I am feeling; of what I am becoming: God is always near. And he’s not just near. He is with us, always.

On the other hand, I hate growing up. I see myself inevitably changing alot. I missed being a little girl inside and out.

It’s going to be fine, even if we don’t see it yet. We’ll get our rest in His time.

Sparkling, Bright Red

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(c)mariareigns

There’s a fire inside my heart. But bright red is not consuming my whole soul. It just makes my heart glitter. The sparks are only a few, because I hold them back. There’s a fire inside my heart. But I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know where to start.

I feel I can make a change. I feel I can make a difference in this world. But whenever I stare at my face in front of a mirror, I feel I cannot do it. I am ordinary and plain. Sometimes, I feel like a walking trash outside. I feel so ashamed of myself.

The world goes round. The disturbing cycles established inside my heart and my system keep on spinning like a destructive hurricane, laughing at the casualties and the ruins it makes everyday. Some dreams die and some dreams get broken, but the world keeps on spinning round and life goes on. It doesn’t stop for anybody.

What kind of change do I want to make? Everything is going well. Everyone is okay, even if everyone is struggling with life: with what clothes to wear for the day; with what to eat; with what goals to achieve for the week; with who to be with for the rest of the day; with who to be with for the rest of your life.

These are just normal struggles a human has to go through. Everything is going to be fine. And everyone is okay.

But are we really?

Have you ever felt so tired of the routines? Have you ever felt extreme loneliness inside for no valid reason at all? Perhaps, you said,” nah, maybe I’m just hungry. Maybe, I just need some sleep.”

Do you feel happy, but not really completely?

Do you hear the scream inside? Do you hear the groaning, the grumbling and moaning of your heart? Did you ever ask yourself where they are coming from? Do you want to know what they really are?

The world taught us what freedom should be like. Freedom is money. Freedom is wealth. Freedom is fame. Freedom is fortune. Freedom is prestige. Freedom is acquiring things. Freedom is acquiring more. Freedom is being and becoming more.

Maybe, for some, this is their definition of freedom. But I believe, those things mentioned above are just the little portions of the authentic freedom that we want to experience in a unique and personal way. But we are clueless. And we ignore the authentic freedom our souls are very familiar with. It’s locked up inside our chests. It’s the reason why everything still feels incomplete and wrong when on the outside it seems not. It’s the reason why we feel restless and tormented. We thought maybe it’s just the things we haven’t yet put on a check mark with in our long list of goals or wishlists. But there is something more to that, if we just open our eyes.

I believe true freedom is not born in this world yet. It’s like the fire inside my heart, the tiny fire that can grow and live beautifully; or the tiny fire that could just die easily.

My freedom is that tiny spark inside my heart which holds my unpredictable future along with its exciting possibilities. My freedom is good, but I want it to get better and better over time. My freedom is my name. I am Mary Jesusa Villegas. I am freedom. My freedom is my membership, not just my existence here on earth. My freedom is my responsibility and dignity. My freedom is my relationship with other people around me. Most of all, my freedom is my relationship with God.

There’s a fire inside my heart. It is sparkling, bright red, and I feel it calling my name. I feel it might take me somewhere. It might take me to the city of freedom, but not to the city of freedom where most people like to live.

Heavenly Moan

I hate pimples. I hate having an oily face. I hate the pimple scars and the blackheads and the dirt that clog my true skin and the true features of my face. I bought an Oil clear facial wash. Guess what? I have washed my face three times a day since the time I bought the product. When I feel like my face would have a facial wash overdose, I just simply wash my face with water. So, all in all, I wash my face 3-5 times a day.

I am so distracted with the way I look. For once, I want to step outside feeling good about myself. I want to feel composed and confident. I want to be comfortable with myself.

But it seems the problem lies not on the outside, but on the inside. I have been scolding myself. Maybe, I have imprisoned myself in my own little made-up story– that I am a girl forever disturbed by the shameful experiences and humiliations of the past. But no, I’m not. I know, I haven’t. Of all people, I want to be freed from the slavery of low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I want to be a whole new person. I want to change.

Are we experiencing that kind of feeling? That we are never enough? That there’s always something missing; that no matter how we try to fill our cups with everything, we still feel empty and discontented of what we have?

Besides wearing ‘fashionable’ clothes, eating sweet foods, drawing, and singing (with my twinny), writing poems and blogs greatly satisfies me.

And I know I would always write these things. This is the plight of being a human:

We want to find that missing something, but we don’t know where to start. We don’t even know what we want to find.

We want to wait for that missing something but we don’t even know when it will come. We don’t even know if it’s a ‘what’ or if it’s a ‘who.’

We would ask many questions. And when we’re about to discover the answers, another pile of questions would soon follow.

What are we really missing in life? What is that something we are waiting for?

Perhaps, it could be: Who are we missing in this life? Who is that someone we are waiting for?

Could it be God? Ask yourself.

Ask and you shall receive.

PS: I made a poem called ” Heavenly Moan.” Here it goes:

Heavenly Moan

There is something more
There is something more
There is.

My heart isn’t
always
complete.

Because

There is something more
There is something more
Than this.

May 10, 2013

A Little Princess’ Prayer

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Thank you God because You are merciful to me everyday. Forgive me because I have been doing things my way for the past few days. Lord, teach me how to listen. Teach me to never listen to my feelings and to trust in You and Your words alone. Teach me how to be humble. Teach me that it’s Your way, not mine. Teach me to let go of the past. Please be patient to me Lord. Open my eyes so I can see Your great plan for me. Open my ears so I can hear about true life. Open my heart so I can be saved by You.

Bring back the pure, innocent, and carefree child in me. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to get rich. My dreams are impossible and vain. They make me feel tired, restless and lost. Just give me neither poverty nor riches. Erase all kinds of pride in me. Erase everything I have known from the start. I just want to use my talents and capabilities for Your glory.

After all, I just want to be Your little princess.

In Jesus Name, I pray.

Amen.

PS: Sturdy Tree

I’m clueless of what life’s gonna be,

But still, I’m growing like a sturdy tree.

My leaves are so green,so healthy

My roots are rooted so deeply.

Branches wide enough for people to see,

How I bear fruits for God’s glory.

I praise Him cheerfully on bended knee,

Elated that He is always with me.

He’s

1. He is the one I really wanted, and he wanted me too. But circumstances won’t let us be together. I think he came a little too early, and I went a little too late (or vice-versa.) But now we’re friends and we’re both okay with each other. But somehow, I wish we had the opportunity to be together, even just for a moment. And then we could pretend that no one and nothing could ever separate the two of us. Because the harsh truth is, the world did not give us the chance for our love story to be ever written. This would always be a wishful thinking on my part, and I’m okay if it did not go a s far as I have better imagined.

2. He is the one I had become so obsessed with . I know he liked me too. But he just became apathetic about us , leaving me forever hanging and I don’t know why he did it to me. I kept on digging the truth between the two of us but it seemed useless and vain. Our story has been an unsolved mystery lost in the winds of time forever. And I became lost too. Still, I keep on telling myself that I am really not. I am just a frustrated, disillusioned girl in love and everything will be alright in the end as long as I keep on moving forward.

3. He is the one who showed me how it felt like to be courted and pursued. But even before he proceeds to the next part of his courtship, I brutally cut him out of my life. The real reason is not that he does not have any chance on me. The real reason is: I know there are so many things in life that are waiting ahead of me., and I don’t want to make hasty decisions and be involved with something I doubt will only last for a short period of time. I don’t want for us to be so attached together that we become so preoccupied with each other we lose our sight on the other important things that matter truly in our lives as individuals. I did it quickly so we would not be hurt deeply and so we could proceed to our individual lives and responsibilities and we could be the person that we want to be in the future.

4. He is the one. His love for me is so sure and beyond expression. I cannot see Him, but I have had so many encounters with Him through the great, good, bad and mundane circumstances. Sometimes, I can’t feel Him and He seems to be so far away. Sometimes, I am only preoccupied with my desires and my needs that I lose the Love and the zeal that He made me felt inside my heart when I had the most memorable encounter with Him. And I feel sorry and guilty because I keep on looking for love among limited people when He alone is love and He offers Himself to me all the time and makes Himself available to me everytime. I often brood about and mourn for my broken past and I often long for people who left me broken along the way.

He doesn’t even force Himself to me. I was moved by Him . I don’t force myself to Him either. I know I also want Him and I also love Him. The only thing that He desires for me is my happiness and complete healing.

He is the One. He is my true lover. He is the Lover of all Lovers. And His name starts with letter ‘J.’ I think you know who He is. He is the one who told you and me, ” I will never leave you nor abandon you.”

PS: Always remember what He told us whenever you feel lovesick and lonely.

 

Free

But I will find you in the place I’m in, find you when I’m at my end,
Find you when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
-Kari Jobe, Find You on My Knees

I just need a new haircut or something which symbolizes a new beginning in my life. First and foremost, I can feel the intensity of love, mercy, and salvation God has been giving me despite the plainness and mundanity of everyday life. He comes here as humble and simple but the truth is He is flawless, great and powerful but gentle. He is awesome.

I feel everything inside of me is going up and never looking down; moving forward and never looking back. I can already see the end of the tunnel. All the hardships, humiliations and tears are slowly fading away. I am already self-actualized, thanks to Jesus- my friend, my lover,and my Savior from the very start. If He did not tap my back I would not be where I am now.

I’m just thankful for everything that happens- good or bad and everything in between. I’m already used to the unpredictability and uncertainty of life. I’ve been at my rock bottom and I have risen up; God raised me up. If I would be on the same dreadful place again, I would accept my fate because it is another opportunity to strengthen my faith in Him.

I am a nineteen year-old dreamer and I just love to live for now and embrace everything that comes my way. My dreams will come true in God’s time but life is not all about dreams alone. I have already possessed so much wealth in this life:time, solitude, peace of mind, and good health. In case all of my dreams come true, they’re just merely bonuses. I have had already my true wealth and my true God and that makes me alive, cheerful, joyful and grateful all the more. My auntie noticed I’m smiling more. Deep inside, I know it’s the Spirit dwelling inside my heart which makes me effortlessly happy.

I’m so blessed because I can do something about my future. Now, I am much more aggressive to seize each moment, leaving no room for any regrets.

Meanwhile, you always have to be careful. But other times, you also have to be spontaneous. You have to be cautious. But sometimes, you should try to be an adventurer too. In my case, I just follow my intuition for I have learned that I have an intuitive-feeling personality. But feelings can lead you astray so I need to plant the Word of God inside my heart in order to keep going. It is true that you have to take in God first before everything else. It makes you contented and grounded.

Life makes sense because of Him. He is all I ever needed. However, as I continue to live in this world I get distracted sometimes and I am deceived that I need to acquire and achieve more things other than Him.

I’m just simply happy and thankful right now. My twinsister is so incredible and He is close to Him too. My mom is lovely, caring and charming. My grandmom is very kind and strong. Tita Meg is so patient and generous. My aunts and uncles are so quirky and good-hearted. My cousins, nieces and nephews are so cute. I have a few but true friends too.

Lastly, I think I have already forgiven my father. What a beautiful release! Truly, I can see the bitterness and negativities disappearing in my heart bit by bit! And the authentic healing that I feel inside is like a gush of fresh flowing water coming from God’s well.

You see, in a moment of silence, you can put everything into its designated place. Whenever I can’t fall asleep and I feel a slight anxiety in my stomach, I know my thoughts and ideas just wanted to be free from the four walls of my mind and be “self-actualized” too. When they’re free — living and moving on paper — I’m FREE too. And suddenly, the perfect feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment from writing my thoughts on paper would make me fall asleep easily.

Sweet dreams. ❤

I am fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
But I am free
-Fragile, Maria Mena

The Letter

I have messed it up.

We’re okay, aren’t we?

***

Two weeks before his birthday, we met each other again at a convenience store where we used to eat chocolate drumstick, and hang-out for awhile and reminisce some happy memories we shared from ‘the good-old days’ that is high school. That little place has a deep sentimental value to me.

At first, I told him that I already need to go. My only purpose in seeing him is just to give him my gift. But he insisted on making me stay. So, we talked and spent some eternal two hours (I think) together, just like the yesterdays.

It’s been two years. I have seen him again. I have heard his voice again. I have felt him again; he was just a few inches away from where I sat. What a happy soul I was!

As usual, I ate drumstick again. His treat.

He was laughing. He was smiling. He was silent, and then he was joking. He told me a lot of stories. He was struggling. He even showed me his sketchpad full of drawings. I didn’t know that he can draw too.

And then, he said,”It’s okay. Don’t worry. I won’t be late. :)”

We’re awkward as always. But I liked it. We’re both happy to see each other again.

Finally, he came to notice my gift- a box of brownies and a letter. I’m not sure when I can give it to him since I would be busy the next few days. The only perfect time is now.

The truth is, I don’t want to give him the letter anymore. I told him to give it back to me. But he said he would read it in front of my face if I won’t let him keep it.

I have messed it up.

We’re okay, aren’t we?

***
Pain, regrets, shame, guilt, heartbreaks, hatred and all that is dark and bloody and hell — these are all the things that the letter contains.

I am sick. I am emotional. I am broken. I am hanging. I am lonely.

And he’s the reason why my heart has been bleeding for two years.

I put all of my hostile emotions inside the letter. And maybe, he read it only once; maybe, twice. Or maybe, he read the letter over and over again to remember every little detail. Maybe, he trashed the letter after reading it.

Maybe, he laughed at it. Maybe, he didn’t . Maybe, he was hurt too. Maybe, I hurt his ego. Or, maybe– my favorite part- he just didn’t care.

I know he didn’t, because he didn’t apologize. I waited but he didn’t even say a thing. He’s such an apathetic person. I always hear Vanessa Carlton’s voice inside my head telling me, ” You’ve got a knife throwing kind of love, but your silence cuts the deepest.”

So I decided to cut him out of my life.

***

I thought people don’t really understand me. I realized that they are all trying to, but I always close my door and lock myself up in my solitary world.

I thought he doesn’t understand me. Yes, he’s one of those people who really tries to understand me. But the problem is always me. And I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I’m so hypersensitive, right? So “emo XD.” I’m so scary. I’m such a freak.

It’s my fault. I know I became very emotional. It’s my fault that I ruined our friendship.

But the question is, when everything becomes worst and I become at my worst, would he still stay and never leave my side?

I don’t think so.

The letter just proved my assumptions are damn right.

And I have always been at my worst. And my best is — my worst.

Vanessa, my musical best friend, kept singing inside my head:

“You’ve got a knife-throwing kind of love
But your silence cuts the deepest
And I know I’ve made a mess of things
And I’m sorry for all that
Wish we could get the time back”

Of course, we couldn’t.

now playing: London-Vanessa Carlton.mp3

Why Does a Writer Love Writing

I’m in love with writing.

I mean, I would not waste my time adding another kilo in my eyebags doing nothing. I would not be a night owl loving the whole blanket of epic silence enveloping my world, making way for my ideas to “flashflood” from my nervous ink to my virgin paper again. Yellow paper, I mean.

So, my yellow paper is a whole mess of unripened ideas all the time. I would have a heart attack if I would find any of them missing. I know them not by their names, but I just know and recognize each of them just like how a mother does it with her double dozen children. Oh yes, there they are! The one has hidden itself in the pocket of my jeans. The other one in the drawer. The other one in the sink?

Meanwhile, I have prepared for the coming battle. I have already bought tons of pen and yellow papers. So when the Gen. Moon commands its army of stars to go to their designated positions every night, I would just fire them with my ink– it never runs out of bullets as long as I live here on earth.

It’s because I am a writer- with or without pen or paper.

I would think of alternatives, of course.

I would grab my cellphone in the middle of the night and save my ideas on drafts.

Sometimes, I would have a quick voice record, especially when I am sleepy because of too much exhaustion from studies.

What’s so special about writing?

Well, I write the simplicity and complexity of things. I write what I see. I write what I hear. I write what I think. I write what I think I cannot think. I write what I think I cannot solve. I write what I think is right or wrong. I write the mundanity and dullness of life. Or sometimes, I write the opposite of it. I write dumb, senseless and foolish things– poetry is one of them. I write the possibility that maybe they should not be considered as so.

I write what I want to paint. I write the rhymes which I composed in my head awhile ago. Or the lyrics. Or a quote.

I write the past, present, future and make a mixture experiment using these three ingredients. I write about how I wonder what it would look like if I mix the three.

I write about writing. I write about waiting. I write about him.

I write the pain and the bitterness that I feel, or the pain and the bitterness my twinny feels. Well, you get it; we’re twins. The difference is, I was a broken-hearted hopeless romantic in the process of God’s healing.

I write the nostalgia my grandmother feels towards her little sister who seemed to have forgotten her. Or the confusion and loneliness my high school best friend feels. Or the exasperation of my uncle.The joy my mother. Or the exhaustion and hopelessness a young beggar feels as he wander along the lost streets. Or the contemplating pregnant lady sitting in a bench. Or the frustration and tiredness a jeepney driver or a market vendor feels under the tyrant sun.

I write about Jesus. I write how great He truly is. I write His available mercy and grace for everybody. I write His love for us. I write about hope, faith, and love.

Why does a writer like me love writing so much?

It is because I write about the world. I write about my world. I write about the world of my dreams.

I write who I am.

I write my soul.

Worship

The noblest thing that you can ever do in this world is:

1.to have faith in a loving and merciful God
2. to believe in His promises
3. to believe not just in the good that He can do, but in the love that He really is
4. to expect from Him endless possibilities of which He picked and chose what is right and best for you, far from the limited fate and power and dull and vain perspectives that impersonal creatures (humans, actually -_-) can offer to you
5. to become like Him too:
a. to become sweet
b. kind
c. patient
d. diligent
e. loving
f. merciful

6. To live a full life not just here on earth but also gain eternal life in heaven with Him
7. To experience freedom in a kind of perspective which does not add weigh to your intellectual pride but transforms you completely inside and out.

This is the incredible life that awaits that awaits to the one who worships the Lord.

I am tired of looking things in a shallow perspective. Life has a meaning. There’s a good reason behind our struggles, traumas, problems, and troubles. I don’t want to believe in all that I have learned, I have known, I have acquired and I have possessed here on earth. I want to believe in something more– something which I can’t see, but I can feel.

So they may assume all they want, but they can’t take away the joy, the happiness, and the fulfillment that I feel because of Him. I didn’t convince myself to be happy or to be miserable; to be grateful or to be greedy or something. I am just living my life the way it should be, and let God transform me in the way I never thought I could be. I have seen His light and I have felt His presence. That’s why no matter what happens mariareigns in Christ forevermore!

At last, when I see Him, I will have my reward for my faith. I will see and I will prove that He is real. And that’s just because I simply believed.

Hindi ako Isang Santa

Hindi ako isang Santa, kahit pa pinipilit kong i-akma ang sarili ko sa daan at sa buhay na nais ng Diyos para sa akin.

Alam kong MALAKI at MAGANDA ang plano ng Panginoon para sa akin. Kaya, alam ko rin na ang pangarap sa akin ng Diyos ay di basta-basta. Ito ay malalim at makahulugan.

Pero bilang isang simpleng tao, mababaw lang naman ang kaligayahan ko.

Kaya mahirap ang napagdadaanan kong digmaan sa loob araw- araw. Nais kong maging makasarili, magpakasaya at kalimutan ang pressure at responsibilidad na naghihintay sa akin bilang isang lingkod ng Panginoon.

Hindi naman ako Santa. Hindi naman ako perpekto. Kayang gawin ng iba ang lahat ng kaya kong gawin. Minsan nga, mas mahusay pa sila sa akin.

Madali akong magpatawad sa mga taong nakasakit sa akin: oo o hindi man sila naging sobrang malapit sa akin. Pero sa gitna ng proseso ng pagpapatawad, makikita mong parang lasing na nagsasayaw at kung saan-saan pumupunta ang “forgiveness indicator” — sa kaliwa ay papuntang hatred; sa kanan naman ay papuntang forgiveness.

Hindi purkit mahal ko ang Panginoon ay masasabi mo nang ako ay isang Santa. Minsan, kapag sunod-sunod na pagsubok na ang dumagan sa iyo , nauubos na rin ang pag-asa at tiwala mo sa itaas at makakapagtanong ka na rin ng mga tanong na di mo akalaing maitatanong mo sa iyong sarili:

May Diyos nga ba talaga, o wala?

Madalas nga ay siksik ang schedule ko at wala na akong oras para sa Kanya. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, para akong nahipan ng malakas na hangin at di ko alam kung saan ako papunta. O kaya nama’y para akong natangay ng malalaking alon papalayo sa Kanya.

Hindi naman ako Santa. Hindi ko madalas nagagawa na maging maingat sa aking ikinikilos, sinasabi at lalo na sa aking iniisip. Kahit na kabisaduhin mo pa ang buong bible ay hindi garantiya na magagawa mo na at mabubuhay ka na ng puro tama at walang mali. Dahil hindi nga talaga ganun iyon.

Hindi naman ako isang Santa. Napapagod, tinotopak, naiinis, nababanas, nabubuwisit, napipikon, nababadtrip, nawawalan ng gana, napopoot, nagagalit, nagtatampo, natatanga, naiinggit, sumisigaw at nag-iinit din ang ulo ko ng madalas, kungdi minsan.

Hindi ko naman pinili si God. Pinili niya ako. Pinili niya tayong LAHAT –nang Siya ay magpapako sa krus para magkaroon tayo ng isang Tagapagligtas.

Hindi ako isang Santa, dahil tao lang ako: mahina at makasalanan; isang tao na nangangailangan ng isang tagapagligtas na magbibigay ng direksyon at kahulugan sa bawat buhay na kanyang hinihinga dito sa mundo. Ang tagapagligtas na ito ang simula at katapusan ng buhay ng tao. Ang katapusan ng buhay ng isang tao ay buhay na walang hanggan kasama ni Hesus.

Para sa mga babaeng Kristiyano na nabiyaan ng Panginoon ng isang sincerong puso upang mapagsilbihan Siya

M.U

Halos tatlong taon mo na rin akong pinapahirapan. Iba’t-ibang klase ng emosyon na rin ang naramdaman ko na nagpahirap sa aking loob nang dahil sa iyo: GALIT– sa iyo at sa aking sarili; GUILT; EMPTINESS;SHAME;LONELINESS; yung pakiramdam na ako’y tanga, bobo, martir at baliw dahil hindi ko pa rin pinakakawalan ang ideya ng “ako-at-ikaw-ikaw-at-ako-basta-tayong-dalawa-lang-walang-eepal” kahit na mas may deserving pang lalaki na pwede namang pumalit sa iyo. Araw-araw mo akong pinapatay nang hindi mo nalalaman.

Sa halos tatlong taon na iyon, maraming mga tanong na rin ang labas-pasok sa pinto ng aking isipan na hindi nagpapatulog sa akin tuwing gabi:bakit ko ginawa iyon? bakit nangyari ito? Does his ego feel triumphant as my heart gets broken into pieces? Bakit mo kasi pinagsiksikan ang sarili mo sa kanya?Ano kaya ang totoong nararamdaman niya para sa akin? Namimiss niya kaya ako? Naiisip niya pa rin ba ako? Hindi kaya naiinis na siya sa akin? O kaya nagsasawa? nababadtrip? Ayaw niya kaya talaga sa akin? Nagustuhan niya ba talaga ako? Sana naman oo. Pero, pilit ko lang naman inaalam ang katotohanan mula sa kanyang ikinikilos at pakikitungo sa akin. Alam ko namang hindi sapat na basehan iyon para malaman ang totoo. 

Iba’t-ibang theory na rin ang finormulate ko para magkaroon lang ng conclusion ang (love, love?! weh!) story nating dalawa. Una: baka inexaggerate ko lang yung mga pangyayari . Pangalawa, inuulit-ulit ko lang ito kahit tinapos mo sa ‘sorry’ ang lahat, pero hindi pa rin kasi ‘malinaw.’ Gusto kong sabihin mo sa akin na sorry,hindi kita nagustuhan–…na basta! Kahit ano lang. Gusto ko lang ito mapahaba. Hanggang ngayon kasi, hindi ko pa rin matanggap na hanggang dito na lang ang ‘love story’ natin. Hanggang ngayon kasi, ikaw pa rin ang nandito sa puso ko. Pangatlo, nag-iimagine lang ata ako na may “ako-at-ikaw-ikaw-at-ako-basta-tayong-dalawa-lang-walang-eepal”. Baka, hindi naman talaga tayo nagkasama, ni hindi tayo nagkakilala at kailanman hindi nag-krus ang landas nating dalawa sa simula pa lamang. Sana nga ay ganun na lamang– walang nabuong ‘love story.’O baka nga talagang ang ‘love story’ ay nasa isip ko lang simula pa lamang nung una.

Hindi kaya assuming lang ako?

Hindi kaya nakiki-ride in lang siya sa akin kasi nakakatawa akong tignan?

Hindi kaya bakla siya? tomboy? butiki? baboy? alien?

Hindi kaya manhid lang siya? torpe? engot? o jerk lang talaga?

Bakit hindi niya kaya ako nireplayan? Sabi niya, bukas. Sabi niya, surprise. Sabi niya, mahaba ang irereply niya. Bakit pinaghintay niya ako ng matagal? Pinaghintay sa wala? Bakit tinatake for granted niya ako? Bakit di niya sabihin ang lahat-lahat? Gusto kong marinig ang buong panig niya.

Gusto kong malaman kung ano ba talaga ako sa kanya.

Bakit di niya sabihin ang lahat-lahat?
Bakit ayaw niya akong pakawalan sa lahat ng mga tanong at pagpapahirap na ito?

Baka wala na akong dapat malaman pa. Baka wala na akong dapat marinig pa. Baka wala na akong dapat na maalala pa.

Kalimutan na ‘to.

May mga buwan din na nakakalimutan kita. At kapag napapansin kong okay na ako, susunod na ulit ang mga buwan na bumabalik lahat ng halo-halong masasakit, masasaya at nakakakilig at mapapait na alaala. Bumabalik ang mga nakabiting tanong, emosyon at desisyon at pati na rin ang nakabiting pagmamahal ko sa iyo.

Paulit-ulit. Paikot-ikot.

Kahit naman gusto kong umalis sa cycle na ito. Hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Puro tanong, pero wala namang sagot.

Puro sakit sa puso. Kasi wala namang akong narinig na sinabi mong, “Gusto din kita.”

Hinihintay ko ang mga salitang magpapagaling at maghihilom sa mga sugat na idinulot mo sa aking mahinang puso, katulad na lang ng ‘sorry ulit ‘ , kahit wala na ang tatlong salitang pinapangarap ko na sambitin ng labi mo sa harapan ko:

Mahal kita.

Pero dumaan na ang birthday ko, pasko, bagong taon, Valentine’s day, Ash Wednesday– walong buwan na ang nakakalipas.

Ni ha, ni-ho. Ni isang hello, wala.

Kaya ang sakit lang. Sakit-sakit lang talaga.

Alam mo ba yung ginawa mo? Alam mo ba yung ginagawa mo?

Ang labo mo. Ang labo ko. Ang labo ng usapan na ‘to.

Silent Warriors

Gina*

Gina is a simple lady who loved God so much. She is always calm, silent, and most of her time is spent for worshiping the Lord. Her husband has just died. Her little girl , Gemma, became so sad and and depressed . She missed her dad so much. But Gina kept her composure for her little girl. She has to be strong so she could be Gemma’s source of strength and hope in life, aside from God.

Mila*

Mila made a mistake. She gave in to her boyfriend. Now, she is three-months pregnant. And her boyfriend has just quickly disappeared. She is one of the top performers in her class. But now, all of her dreams and ambitions suddenly fell down, one by one. She did not expect this would happen to her. She is now a mother.

But, after giving birth to Rica, she continued to reach her ambition. It was only her and Rica who shared the joys and pains in life. Even if Mila didn’t finish college, she’s now a supervisor of a particular company. She dedicates her success to Rica– the most important person in her life.

Josephine*

Josephine has learned selling sweepstake tickets when she was a child. She sells these tickets to rich, Chinese businessmen eating inside the Chinese restaurants along the Ongpin streets. The businessmen became so fond of her that that they invite her inside the restaurant, let her sit down and let her eat whatever she likes everytime. But as she eats, she would think of her siblings and asks the businessmen if she could take-out her left-over food. But the businessmen would let her finish the food that she eats and order another so she could take it home for her siblings. “Mabait na bata,” they said to Josephine.

When she became an adult, Josephine helped her sister in taking care of the children(her sister’s). Her salary was even used for buying milk and diapers for her nieces and nephews. When her sister’s children has grown up and had children too, she still gave her love and support to all of them.

Somehow, they are ungrateful to Josephine. Eventhough Josephine displays a strong personality, I know deep inside she has a lonely heart, and she feels unwanted and unappreciated.

If she would take back the time, she would want to be a doctor. She would like to offer free check-ups for the poor in her clinic.

Ligaya

Ligaya came from Bicol. She was 18 years old when she went to Manila. Being naive and ignorant, she married at a young age. She had six kids. Her husband died of heart attack, leaving Ligaya the responsibility of raising their kids alone.

Now, Ligaya is 71 years old and she is still physically strong. She can even walk from home to church (and vice-versa) everyday. Her six kids have already grown up and had kids too. She moves on with her life. She loves cooking and doing the household chores. Sometimes, she takes care of her grandchildren too.

Victoria*

Victoria is the second child of Ligaya. Victoria remains charming, positive and friendly. She is a single mother. She has twin daughters. Today, her twins are already 19 years old, and she managed to make them enter college.

One day when Victoria was accompanied by one of her daughter in the public market, an old fat lady sitting beside the bilaos containing tomatoes said to her, “Uwi ka na?” Victoria nodded and smiled to the old, fat lady, saying “Oo.” 🙂
When the twin asked her, “Ma , kilala mo ba yung tindera na yun?” Victoria said, “eh, hehe, hindi.” XD And they laughed together.

Of course, I am that twin. :]] And I’m proud of my mom! ❤

***
I have learned so many things from the lives of all the people around me. They have fought and won battles more than they could ever see, and they did not even know it. They deserved to be congratulated and to be praised. They deserved to be featured in magazines, and billboard, but they are too focused on their battles they don't have the time to be vain.

They are silent warriors, fighting silent, unspoken battles. And from outward appearance, you would not even recognize the 'warrior' in them.

They don't have swords and armors. They don't possess any magical powers. But they are strong and courageous. They have an unwavering faith in God. Unlike me, I am fragile and weak. My faith could easily be ruined by the storms of this life.

I have heard their stories: their pains, hearaches, joys, successes, frustrations, disappointments, and regrets. I have been privileged to hear and to listen to the stories of these silent warriors. I have been also privileged to be part of their lives too. They don't know that they have been giving me the gift of wisdom they have collected from their experiences. They wanted me to live a full life with zero regrets. They wanted me to live a life with God. :"]

The Real Definition of Love

I’m a self-centered , hard-headed , prideful monster-who-thinks-she-can-do-anything about to be thrown into the lake of fires.

But He intervened.

He saved me.

But sometimes, I cannot feel the redemption. The more that I try to get close to Him, the more that I suffer.

I want redemption. I know I have already been redeemed when I believed that He died on the cross for me and put my faith in Him.

I just have to claim it.

Maybe, I thought redemption and revenge are two synonymous words.

My closet is still full of bitter skeletons. I have been struggling to clean up the dirty stuffs inside, hoping that somehow the burden that I feel in my heart would lighten up.

But as time goes by, my heart just gets heavier of insecurities, guilt and shame.

Very sooner, I would see that I am hopeless.

Very sooner, I would see that my hopelessness is God’s opportunity to reveal His wonderful glory to me.

So, I would see myself surrender- putting Jesus in-charge of my closet. Time does not matter, He just wants to take care of my closet and make it pure and clean.

Not only of my closet– He wants to be in-charge of my everything.

He wants to make my soul white as snow.

He wants to erase the pain and the loneliness that I feel inside.

He wants to be there for me all the time.

He wants to take care of me.

Most of all, He wants to love me- nothing more; nothing less.

And He wants to do the same for you.

PS: Thus, my profile description:

She has nothing to boast
she has so many flaws
She’s trying to get better
But she’s a hopeless sinner
Nothing would work
except
a total surrender.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:16(KJV)

True Home

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(c) Mary Jesusa A. Villegas 2012-2013

844024_545086882175792_1276797894_o279008_545086732175807_348957174_o279025_545087048842442_1119786807_oThis is Ate Marnel Rae Castillo. 🙂 She’s also an artist!

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The Problem of the ‘Humility’ Problem

I am suffocated of myself that sometimes I just want to kill myself.

My flesh and my spirit- they’re enemies forever.

Sometimes, I’m compulsive; sometimes, I’m controlled. Sometimes, I am vain; Sometimes, I’m focused on much more things than vanity. Sometimes, I’m arrogant and proud. Sometimes, I am humble.

I am consistently inconsistent. I am moody.

I don’t know myself anymore.

When can you say that you are humble or not?

When you are confident in yourself, does that mean you are already arrogant and proud?

When you are not confident in yourself; when you say bad and cruel things to bring yourself down- does that mean you’re being humble?

My twin sister told me that when you are aware (in yourself) that you are humble, then you’re not really humble- you are proud.

Maybe, you are proud that you’re humble.

Okay, so this, is getting weirder.

I can’t solve this puzzle anymore.

I am dirty. I am full of flaws. I am hard-headed, boastful and rude. I am a failure. I am a hypocrite.

Most of all, I am a sinner.

And we all are. In Romans 3:23, the bible said,”All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.”

So that’s why: no matter how much you make an effort to be the best that you can in every aspect of life: career, education, relationships, spiritual– you just fail to do so.

But why is this so?

In Matthew 15:18 , it stated, ” But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what makes a man ‘unclean.’ ”

I agree.

I always try to follow my heart. But whenever I do, I just get in so much trouble.

So who would I follow?

Jesus said in John 1:43, “Follow Me.”

PS: I was hoping to figure out His mystery
using knowledge or philosophy
I was about to follow my heart,
But then, Jesus said, “Follow Me.”
– Follow Me, mariareigns

Shining

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In a world where everything seems to be fake, writing makes me feel I am authentic. Nobody could ever finish a sentence like I do. Nobody could ever uses cliches at the same time or the same moment that I choose to. Nobody could ever interpret by words how I exactly I feel through writing, as I do. Whenever I write, I feel different. Whenever I write, I feel glittery. I feel like I’m shining.

Writing Reverie

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Yay. If only the ink of a pen can be budgeted. The ink of a pen that I use right now is like an hourglass, and the grains of the sand continue to fall down, down, down.. I’m running, catching up for it, And when the grains of the sand from the upper part of the hourglass goes empty, the God of the Pens would say: STOP WRITING, eventhough I have a big bunch left of ideas that I would have wanted to be written on paper.

11:03pm. When the hands of the clock turns to look at  these numbers( and onwards), the place is much quieter, and though it’s dark, I can see  with the help of the flashlight featured on my twinsis’ cellphone- it always comes in handy. And all I can hear is myself, the the roaring truck or some tricycles; all  I can see is my writing reverie.

March 2012

65516_555714071113073_2004080788_nI’m a little girl
And I’m just trying to figure out this funny world
It’s so big
It’s got me running around
I just wanna be found by You.

Found By You- Britt Nicole

God gave me this vision during the time when I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. So everytime my emotions get the best of me again, I will just flash this image on my mind and be reminded of God’s mercy and grace. Amen.

45820_555715331112947_1114467184_n                            I wear crabby clothes
                            I live in a small abode
                            My masterpieces, unsold
                           My worth is more than gold.

Three Passions I haved lived for

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2009:

I am seeking for the TRUTH.

I wanted to know why I exist and live in this world. Why do we need to persevere, to deepen our faith, to dream thedreamest of the dream, to inspire , to be happy or sad, to hate or love someone?

I wanted to understand why we have a lot of work to do yet there is a little time to do it. Why do we need to experience so much injustice and sufferings?

I wanted to reach self-actualization to come up with my potentials and abilities. I wanted to recognize the nature of this world being complicated, and me being involved and being a part of it.

I wanted to find the answers to all these questions, for I know it will lead me to the key of unlocking the TRUTH.  Because by knowing the TRUTH, you can live life to its utmost extent.

I am looking forward to LOVE.

Love is the reason, the focal point and the way of life. God made us out of His love for us. It leads us to heaven, where there is no pride, fear, confusion, and hatred. Love comes in different kinds. The one I am having difficulty to develop is love for our Creator. But I would rather die and not live if I would not learn how to love truly. Without it, I am worthless and vain. I have a strong desire to experience a kind of love that is pure and genuine, not just an illusion of the heart.

I am building COURAGE.

I am passionate in building courage enough to speak when you are hurt, to express your feelings, to conquer negative feelings such as inferiority, low self -esteem and self-confidence and pessimism; to confide with others; to smile though life is difficult; to not brood because when your loved ones see you broken-hearted they might worry; to initiate and lead when others are weak-kneed; to hearten people who are losing hopes; to solve problems when no one would have wanted to; to build compassion and help others in times of need; to show who I am and what I can do.

With incredible courage, one is strong, effortless and unstoppable in climbing the steepy mountain of life.

2013:

I want to share the TRUTHS that have been revealed to me by God, that:

-He loved me first. He doesn’t need my love for Him, because He is already Love.
-Regardless of what I feel, regardless of the bad circumstances, God will never leave me nor abandon me.
-I should be grateful because I am saved by grace, not by my efforts and good works.

I am always clothed with God’s Love.

I am courageous, because I reign in Christ.

Just Believe

She has nothing to boast
she has so many flaws
She’s trying to get better
But she’s a hopeless sinner
Nothing would work
except
a total surrender.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:16(KJV)

(source: bible gateway.com)

Birth of Dreams

This is not me. This is not me. I can’t believe myself. I never thought that I can do all of these things. Jesusa means ‘God rescues’— God always rescues me.

It is not that I don’t know what I wanted. It is that I have so many things that I wanted to be, that I don’t know where to start. And I looked like a confused woman with no direction in life. I kinda missed my being a regular student but I love to do things on my own. I need to own my time. I want to dig deeper and to listen to the voice inside my heart. No, they’re not just voices- they are cries— and they were my babies- my dreams. And I know I have to put up with so much labor by giving birth to each of them.

I’m gonna keep dreaming. It’s the only thing that is worth pursuing in this world, I think. And I am a mother of hope.

Believe

All of us will do what it takes for love. We would sacrifice. We would compromise. We would endure. We would give up and give in. And in the end, we would realize  that we have destroyed ourselves already in doing so  and we have left our loved ones devastated too. Everywhere  around you only see the ruins. Where would you go? Inside your heart, there is always a wild storm of emotions. Feelings sway you back and forth. You don’t know what to do. What’s wrong? If love is love, then why does it always have to end up like this?

Have you tried looking up  the sky? Have you tried gazing up the stars? Don’t you think that beyond these fluffy clouds and beautiful stars, there is a BIG God who loves, cares, and longs for you? Don’t you think that there is a God who will do what it takes for love– for His love for you?

He already did it on the cross. It is finished(John 19:30). For so long, He has been reaching out to us. Maybe, we know that He love us, but we never let Him come inside our hearts and we do not let ourselves feel the depth of His love for us because we’re so distracted with so many things. Maybe, we think that His love is only exclusive for the “religious.” No.  His love is for every soul and every breath of life.

He is just waiting for our decision. He is longing for your faith. He is longing for you to believe in Him.

Once you do, watch what He can do. See for yourself how great and majestic God is. Be moved by His compassion and piercing love.  Get your handkerchiefs ready. Once you encounter the true living God, watch your tears flow uncontrollably. You’ll never regret that you believed.

I love those who love me,
    and those who seek me find me.

Proverbs 8:17